The female is a sometimes wicked and fickle gender, but we are nothing if not intelligent – always analyzing our male counterparts and finding new ways to thwart them… while also weeding out the creeps! Let’s face it, in this current day and age, people rarely spend a lot of physical time getting to know each other at the beginning of any relationship (what with your hectic work schedule, needy best friends, and that yoga class you’ve been meaning to attend). Because of this, we often find ourselves spilling our guts and deepest, darkest secrets over the next best method of communication: texting. Like most games, the dating game has become wrapped around social media websites like Facebook, and has shrunk into the ever-changing cellphones that we hold at our thumbtips. Unfortunately, not all of us are prepared for this transition, so I’m here to help my fellow sisters-in-arms to better understand the different types of guys we’re going to come across in this crazy, beautiful world of digital love.
1. Innuendo Winky Face Guy
This guy is never short on a sexual pun, turning all of your innocent comments into dirty innuendos. He will probably follow his genius wordplay with a cheesy winky face, allowing you to marvel at his typed sexual prowess, all the while hoping that you’ll take the bait to spend a romantic evening in his unkempt bedroom watching Netflix. Cue cliché yawn while he wraps his arm around you and, just in case you were wondering, it’s no accident that one of his fingers happens to be touching your boob. At this point, you’re about five seconds away from a typical grope session so, if you aren’t as excited as he’d like you to be, I’d get out of dodge.
2. Naked Pics Guy
Naked Pics Guy has actually become quite a favorite among women these days – favorite to ignore, that is. Every time you feel like you might be making a connection or getting to know this guy, he destroys your fantasy image of his mature perfection by asking you for a nudie.
3. Too-Many-Exclamation Points Guy
This guy is just annoying. I mean, how excited can you be about something – or anything, really? Such a small thing to be bothered by, I suppose, but couple him with Too-Many-Hahaha’s Guy and you’ve got yourself one irritating bloke.
4. RP Guy
RP (Role Playing) Guy is actually pretty rare, but deserves a mention regardless due to the strange and unique nature in which he creeps you out. His texts are typed in such a way as to draw you into the moment, which is almost romantic, right? Wrong. Instead of saying goodnight like a normal human being, this man will probably type something like “I wrap my arms tightly about your waist, pulling you in for a warm embrace as I leave you to slumber.” Sweet in its hint of fantasy, but weird in the long run. If you’re into this sort of thing, go for it! If not, don’t be alarmed. Although these guys tend to be a little more sensitive than the rest of them, they can (and will) take rejection.
5. The Drunk Texter
Ah, yes. Mr. I-Only-Text-You-When-I’ve-Ingested-Half-the-Bar Guy. This guy usually texts you randomly, and is almost always three sheets to the wind (that’s purdy drunk, mmk?). He will probably invite you over or offer to recklessly make the drive to your house for a late-night hookup that will most likely end in disaster, if not disappointment. My advice? Avoid these texts (and possible calls) as though they were the plague. Nothing good ever happens after midnight, even Cinderella knew that! So put your phone on silent and go back to sleep!
6. Last Resort Guy
I bet he thought we forgot about him, but that’s impossible to do with his ever-random and inconvenient calls to remind us of his pesky presence. This guy is never less than charming, probably calling you sweet little nicknames like Baby or Hun, but don’t be fooled. These are probably little tricks he uses to avoid calling you by the wrong name – because this guy has already gone through girls # 1, 2, and 3 before calling you. If you refuse to say goodbye, however, keep your chin up! Maybe someday, with good behavior, you can rise to be #2, or even, dare we say it, #1! (cue puke face)
So there you are, ladies – a detailed ‘heads up’ about all of the wonderful things to come as you step out into the realm of text-dating. If you don’t like what you see here, don’t beat yourself up. Meeting guys out there in the ‘real world’ is always a close second as far as dating options go.